Series 6 > McCulloch examinations of the Cambuslang revival (1742) > Volume 6

32 EXAMINATIONS OF PERSONS UNDER SPIRITUAL CONCERN II
yet in the gall of bitterness & bonds of iniquity; that all my Prayers had
been but a mocking of God, & that by approaching to the Lords Holy
Table while I was in this case, I had prophan’d that Ordinance, & had eat
& drank damnation to myself. And the thoughts of my Hypocrisy filled
me with great anguish & bitterness of Soul, so that I could sleep none that
night. My distress continued for about eight days before I got any hopes
relief; I came out to Camb. on Thursday & heard Sermon & went home
in great Bitterness. I often essayd Secret Prayer, but no liberty in it. On
Friday I was almost like one distracted, apprehending that there was no
mercy for me & that I would surely go to hell for my great & many sins.
I went & spoke to ministers but found no relief. One () said, other things
were expected of me, I told him, I had been but deceiving him & others
all my life. Another (26)6 [80/—] mentioned that word Ps. 66.18. If I regard
iniquity in my heart the Lord will not hear me, and bade me take that
home with me, & think on that. I thought much on these words on the
way going home, & apprehended that that minister had seen hypocrisy in
my face, or some way or other discernd that I was certainly an hypocrite,
& therefore had given me that passage of Scripture to think on. And after
I came home thinking much on it, I was then made to see that it was no
wonder that the Lord did not hear my prayers, when I indulg’d so many
lusts & corruptions in my heart. And whereas all my grief & sorrows since
last Sabbath proceeded only from fears of Hell, & from reflecting on the
gross Evils of my outward life & practice; now I was made to see the Secret
lusts & corruptions of my heart to be more in number than the hairs of
my head: and was made to mourn bitterly for my regarding and indulging
iniquity in my heart, & for my natural corruption that was the Spring of
all.
Next Lords day hearing a Minister () on that Text, Be sober be vigilant for
your adversary the Devil goes about always as a roaring Lyon seeking whom he
may devour,71 was much refreshd by many things in that Sermon, particularly
in the Directions he gave him to resist the Evil One, as by habituating [81/—]
our selves to good & holy thoughts & meditations and resolvd in the strength
of grace to do so, & that I would not yield to his temptations as I had done.
And after this I found my self sometimes raised above my self, & thought I
got my eyes singly fixt on the Glory of God in what I did, so that I could
have been content to lay down my life for Christ, if it might any ways tend
to advance his Glory. I got also great liberty &joy & enlargement of heart in
Prayer: and one time in particular at the Close of Prayer [ ] ,81 was made to say
6 William McCulloch (1691-1771) — minister, Cambuslang.
7 1 Pt 5:8.
8 Insertion [‘when at Cambuslang’]: McCulloch.