Series 6 > McCulloch examinations of the Cambuslang revival (1742) > Volume 6

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EXAMINATIONS OF PERSONS UNDER SPIRITUAL CONCERN II
Mistress, if she would allow me to go to that Sacrament Occasion, no she
said, but she would allow me to go to the next after that. All the Winter &
Spring following (in 1741) I continued under more concern about my Soul
than before, and was much grievd to find my heart so hard, and my mind
wandering in time of duty, & thro disquiet of [27/-] my heart, when there
was none within by my self, I have been made to roar, & I would then have
found my heart very sore, and lest any body should have overheard me, that
I might conceal my inward distress that was the spring of all, I would have
cry’d, my Head, my Head!
At the Barony-Sacrament that year, hearing a Minister () on that Text,
Choose ye this day whom you will serve,8 I thought I will for my part
choose the Lord to serve him only: But I was sensible, that I had so often
already broke so many promises, resolutions, & vows to serve God, that I
was afraid that I would do so still. And when he said. There are many that
drew near to God, rushing into his presence, as the horse into the Battel,
without considering whom they approach; that they did not consider what
a Holy &just God, they had to do with: I thought that this had indeed been
my way too much & too long already; but I thought I would try for a week
or two, If I could once refrain from Sin and after that I would be more fit to
come before him in prayer. I accordingly essayed to do so, for two weeks, &
after that essaying to pray, I [ ]91 was more unfit & out of order in that duty
than before: & sitting down & reflecting how things were with me since I
had refraind prayer for two weeks: I found things had turn’d still worse &
worse. Upon which I resolv’d to return to my former course of prayer daylie.
And that word coming into my mind, encouraged [28/-] me much to that
duty, And Isaac said, Here is the Wood and the fire, but where is the Lamb
for a burnt offering: And Abraham answered, My Son the Lord will provide
himself a Lamb for a burnt offering.10 So Is was made to hold on at the duty
& to go about it, when I was sensible of my unpreparedness for it, hoping
the Lord would give what he required of me. And sometimes when I went
out into the fields alone, for the more secrecy & liberty at this duty, I would
have fainted & swarfd & been seized with great tremblings of body at the
apprehension of the Greatness & majesty of God, & because I thought he
would pour down his infinite wrath upon me, because I so richly deserved
it. And under such apprehensions I would sometimes be made to cry out in
the fields, and sometimes in the House too, & when I could not otherwise
get crying refraind, I would, to prevent it, have sometimes stopt my mouth
with my Napkin, or if I was near a Bed, would have wrapt my Head in the
Bed, close with the Bed-Cloaths. And all this was in the Summer 1741.
8 Jos 24:15.
9 Insertion [‘found’]: McCulloch.
10 Gen 22:7-8.