Life and diary of Lieut. Col. J. Blackader

CHAP. XXI. CONCLUSION. 527
such a sight of my self-pollution, and misery, and
withal, such a view of the sufficiency and fulness of
a Saviour, as may chase me unto Christ ; give me such
a sight of his love — of free sovereign pardoning grace,
as may make sin terrible and odious to me.
July 8. Sabbath. Rose early in the morning, at
four o'clock, and went out to the wood. There I
endeavoured to pour out my soul, in confession and
acknowledgment of sin, and bi-ing my heart to mourn
and be humbled for it. I sought more grace and
more strength, for all I need. I will not speak of my
resolutions and promises ; it is not my promises to
God I must trust to, to carry me through ; it is God's
promises to me, that he will perfect strength in my
weakness. I was troubled all the day that I could
not get love to keep pace with faith ; now that I am
old, the heart is not naturally so soft as in youth ; the
edge of the affections is blunted. I went down to the
table, desiring that the plagues of my heart might be
healed, that it might be more powerfully touched
with grace ; and it pleased the Lord to pour upon me
a spirit of repentance and supplication, The hard
and stony heart was softened. I could not contain
myself at the table, tears flowing out, which I strove
much against ; first, lest on-lookers should think bet-
ter of me than I knew I deserved, or think I had that
which I had not ; and again, I know the heart is de-
ceitful and vain. However, I desired to have secret
work between God and my soul, which none could be
witness to. But O, let me not trust to my vows and
resolutions as I have too much done : but to the well-
ordered covenant and the promises of grace. I sat in
the church all day serene and calm. At night, fatigued
by long exercise.