Series 5 > Miscellany [of the Scottish History Society] XIII

188
MISCELLANY XIII
afternoon was sweet and the Word lively. The Munday a brave day.
Some time after this I had of sweet rejoicing in God for himself, some
times of sweet, profitable, weights1 with tendemes of his honnour and
will, sometimes deadnes in prayer, and in hearing times of heavynes.
Then my child took his death. I was 3 dayes before his death much
straitned in praying for him. Having all his life befor had sweet liberty
for him, and believing I was heard of God for him, it was like to make
me question all I had found for him before. I wrestled a good part both
of night and day as I ought for the pardon of originall sin, but was still
straitned till I came to that, that if I knew that God had decreed wrath,
I should as gladly rejoice in God executing justice, as manifesting
mercy. But since I know not the council2 of the Lord it was my part to
wrestle for mercy, and I went on as I dought, begging the Lord to
magnify himself in mercy; till nigh his death, then I got the heart
loosed, and with eager eamestnes, begged the pardon of originall sin,
and the imputed rightiousnes of Christ. While his breath is near going
out, it was spoken lovingly to the heart, I have pardoned according to
thy word,3 quhilk I belived with joy. Yet a litle after my heart was
wounded for the want of my child.4 But contentment in the good
pleasure of my Lord’s will overcame it and made up my loss with
more solid feeling sweetnes than any created pleasure could give.
I was therafter tempted to doubt of his happines but when thoughts
of that wer cast in, the Lord made my heart to answer, If my Lord hath
decreed, what is that to me? So the tentation brake and prevailed not,
for then his decrees wer dear to me as mine own soul.
heavy.
counsel.
Numbers 14:20; ‘thy word’ in the sense of‘thy petition’.
Mendelson, ‘Stuart women’s diaries and occasional memoirs’, 197-8.