Series 5 > Miscellany [of the Scottish History Society] XIII

154
MISCELLANY XIII
lived in security1 till a year was spent, for my goodsir’s sister came
home and guided the house, and my labour was offputting of time in
playing but some time that I learned to sew.
Then I went to Edinburgh to the school but I was keept at home in
the house to learn with my aunt, and not put to the school till the word
of this pestilence came in the town, and then I went out of town with
an aunt and there notwithstanding all my former defection, it [2]
pleased the Lord to blow upon me with his Spirit and to make me use
the means with great contentment, so that I had a great delight in the
service of God, and would have awakned in the morning with so good
desires and gotten my heart so poured out before God in words with
desire, but not with tears. I used prayer twice or thrice a day, privat
my alone, and evening and morning in the family. But in secret I was
overfeared that some should have come in on me, so that for fear I
have been oftimes raised. Then the Lord blessed me with a memory
that I would have remembered some of the preaching, and had great
delight in hearing the Word, and was very glad quhen the Sabbath
came, but after the sermon was done I spent the rest of the day in
playing with the rest of the bairns, so great was the strenth of my
corruption and impenitence, that notwithstanding of all his goodnes
and mercy in giving me his Word to be a light to me, yet I walked on
in darknes, in not giving the Lord the whole day. This and many more
offences I did that I remember not oft—the Lord cover them and blot
them out of his remembrance.
I was 14 years of age at this time, and I went on in using the means
so long as I was in their company with quhom I went out of town, till
the word of the pest was away, and then I went into the town to go
school and then I neglected the means altogether; nothing remained
but a love to grace quherever I saw it in any, and to the Word. I went
on carelessly passing my time with the rest of the bairns, till one
Sunday I was in the old Kirk at the preaching, and in the time of
sermon it was casten in my mind that ther was not a God. Then I
began to remember the former feelings I had, thinking they would
bear witnes against me, that ther was a God. The more I strove against
it the more I was molested with it. Then I took me to reading and cast
up the 4. of Daniel, quher Nebuchadnezar was turned to a beast till he
knew that the most High ruled over the children of men. Then many a
time I wished to have been a beast that I might know there was a God.
Wariston feared that he might abuse God’s blessings, turning them into pillows ‘for
to lull me a sleape in securite and impaenitence’. Diary, 60.