Diary of Alexander Jaffray, provost of Aberdeen

142
nothing more grievous to a tender heart: — I was de-
siring that it might be so to mine; and hoping, that,
when I know more how to prize his presence and
entertain his Spirit, he will help me, so as that I may
enjoy more of him ; also, to know better how to keep
free, as of sinful, so of needless, anxious, perplexing
thoughts, by which my heart is not a little marred in
the enjoying of God; — the avoiding too of needless
cares of a present world, and of what may be dear to
me in it, — to have a loose grasp of these, and know
how to lay them wholly upon God. This is one,
among the great lessons, the Lord is giving me at
this time to learn.
So far was the distemper and distraction of my spi-
rit heightened, that, sometimes, in the time of prayer,
while I was speaking, I was forced to be silent, and
could not utter one word, but was forced to desire ray
fellow-prisoner to proceed in the duty. Some days
thereafter, I turned over to some Scriptures, where
there is something like this case, mentioned to have
been incident to the people of God formerly; as, Psal.
Ixxvii. 4, " Thou boldest mine eyes waking ; I am so
troubled that I cannot speak ;" and Psal. xxxix. 2,
" I was dumb with silence, I held my peace, even from
good ;" and Psal. xl. 12, " Mine iniquities have taken
hold upon me, so that I am not able to look up;
my heart faileth me." But, I could not so well apply
these places to ray own case, seeing that it appears,
the Prophets [situation] there differs from jnine.
Though I dare not altogether say, that the sense of
sin was not a part of my exercise ; yet was it (so far
as I could discern) more from the vanity and looseness
of my heart, needlessly burdening itself with anxious,
perplexing thoughts of ray outward condition ;■ — so