A Fully True, and Particular Account of that Awful
Bloody BATTLE for the BREEKS! that was
Fought last Saturday Night, in'this Neighbourhood,
between a Sprightly Young Couple, who had been
married a whole Fortnight; and which did not end
without Torn Clothes, Broken Heads,.and Bloody
Noses; together with a Copy of the Articles of
Agreement' made between them, after the Battle was
A Sprightly, good-looking young couple was married about three
weeks ago in this neighbourhood, who lived most loving, a-
greeable, happy, and contented for the first twelve days or so ; bless-
ing the fortunate and lucky moment they first met, and the still
luckier moment they were buckled together in the happy bonds of
wedlock. But, alas ! alas ! little did they know about it yet, every
rose has its thorn, and every sweet its bitter.
The young wife conceived the idea one morning, of going out
after break-fast to visit some of her friends and old acquaintances,
which she accordingly did, promising to her husband to be home
in good time to give him his dinner; but, having called at several
different places, and staid some short time at each place, gossiping
and tasting ,a little of the mirth-inspiring John Barley-corn, forgot
her promise and her beloved spouse at the same time, and staid
too long. On arriving at home, in rather a high key, as the saying
is, about nine o'clock in the evening, and on her husband's gently
questioning her where she had been all day, with whom she had
staid so long after the time she promised to be home, and why she
did not come to give him his dinner at the proper hour ? She
haughtily answered, that he had no business with where she was,
with whom she staid, nor why she did not come home sooner;
" for," says she, " I don t think I am at all answerable to you for
my conduct, you impudent fellow." The pool? husband on hearing
such language and viewing such behaviour, from his hitherto mild,
modest, loving spouse, looked quite amazed, and was absolutely at
a loss what to think or say, or how to act, for a moment; but, re-
covering a little from his astonishment, and observing that the
fumes of the barley-bree had evidently got into her upper, storey,
and was the real cause of the wonderful change in her conduct and
appearance, he turned round to her quite vexed and angry, and ve-
hemently cried out, " what is the matter with you, woman, are you
drunk ?" " Drunk," replied she, in a perfect fury with rage, anger,
and whisky, " give me such another word, sirrah, and I'll make
your face ring against the wall, you brazen faced rascal," at the
same time accompanying the words with the action, by instantly
giving her beloved husband a slap 011 the chafts.
Behold now, all you married people, the spell is thus broken,
which, by a little attention and prudent management, might long be
preserved, the source of much mutual comfort, joy, and happiness ;
but which, in their case, as now plainly appeared to every person.
led to a very different result indeed. For, no sooner the husband
received this rather rude salutation on his cheek, than he returned it
ten-fold, conceiving his manhood and authority, as lord and master
of the house, to be questioned, and in danger of being assumed by
his partner, who, he conceived, ought to know better, at least, " he
was determined to make her know her duty. Such a scene then fol-
lowed that beggars all description?stools, chairs, tables, tongs, po-
kers, dishes, &c. flew in all directions, and the noise, bustle, and
screaming brought all the neighbours to this scene of havoc, blood,
and confusion, which lasted a considerable time.
At last, however, as might well be expected, the wife got a good
threshing, and cried mightily for a parley, which, through the inter
ference of some of the bystanders, was soon obtained. She then fell
down on her bended knees, and piteously implored forgiveness, ac-
knowledging her fault, in the most submissive terms, and promising
faithfully never to be guilty of the like conduct again.
The husband seeing her now in this humble and submissive pos-
ture, began to relax in his severity, and feeling symptoms of return-
ing affection, (for he had married her really for pure love,) forgave
her all that passed, on the following easy conditions :
ARTICLES OF AGREEMENT.
I. That she should never get drunk, either at home or abroad, again.
II. That she should never let the packman nor the tailor kiss her
again. And, Lastly, That she should never attempt to break
his head with the brass candle-stick or the ladle, nor his nose
with the three footed stool. To all which she solemnly agreed.
Upon which he sent for two bottles of Strong Ale which they
drank, and repaired immediately after to bed where all recollection of
their animosities were buried in oblivion, and peace and unity firmly
established for the future.
Edinburgh. Printed for A Turnbull..Price One Penny.
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Probable date of publication:
1825 shelfmark: F.3.a.13(30)
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