Transcription
A STUMP SPEECH. This Popular Slump Speech can always be had at the Poet's Box. FRIENDS AND FELLOW-CITIZENS,-Unaccustomed as I um to public speaking, allow me to say that when a man stands be- fore a number of his fellow-men to speak, he assumes a liberty; and the liberty I am about to assume is to stand be- fore you to undress the whole lot of you (eh). When we refer to Glasgow, one of the largest provincial towns in Great Britain, what did Mr Graham the Member of Parliament say (eh)? Didn't he say the rising population of the Saltmarket ought to be franchised, for when a young man arrives at the age of 18 his first step in life is to get his life insured. Go down to the insurance office, and the first question they say to him is-what are you, a male or a female? and how long have you been so (eh)? These things must be seen into, for when we refer to Glasgow Green, Julius Cesar tells us there is a legend attached to that spot, for in the year 55, X Y W and G, a gentleman having two sons, both boys, aged re- spectively 17 and 32, and being twins, the sister dies, and being orphans, the father tells them by his bedside that they are liable to be indicted for not being vaccinated. Well, is that any reason the flesher shouldn't have their cattle vaccinated (eh)? Of course we all know the old saying, England is the richest power in the world; and why? if she aint got money we have lots of tick. Didn't Princess Mary of Cambridge have a little baby by Teck (eh)? But we all know when a great statesman dies, they always have a fine tombstone in commemoration of his memory; but there's one man who will never want a tombstone, and why? because his name will always be a "Livingstone." We all know some philosophers say the world revolves round on its own axletrees; then the question arises, who first discovered the world? Why, Spurgeon! Then the next question is-Who were our first forefathers and foremothers? Adam and Eve- man and wife (eh)? Who married them? why, Dr. Cumming. Then who was the first women known to man? Why, Adam was; and why? wasn't he the first maid (eh)? When we refer to Ireland, the cry is how shall England put down the Fenians? Why, send them good music. Don't Burns the Scotch Poet say " Scotland, dear Scotland, the land of song." England for her national airs, Ireland for simple ballads. But England's been trying to cultivate the Irish to sing; they want them to sing one song, and what song is it? why, "Come back, Stephens," (eh)? Of course, the cattle plague has gone by. The cry was last year the poor people couldn't afford the price of good meat, and the remedy was fish; and where did it come from? Scotland is noted for salmon, Ireland is noted for herring; that's why they say "Erin-go- bragh;" but there's one fish in Ireland England can't relish, and what fish is it? Why, the "Irish Pike." When we refer to reform, the question is-how are we to franchise the over-population of Glasgow? for some people have too many children, others have none at all, especially the ladies be- longing to the upper ten thousand, for they are advertising daily for children to adopt. But they need not go far; let them go to their wholesale grocers and there they will see outside their doors " families supplied on the shortest notice." Now, the only thing is, don't eat too many oysters, for Gladstone had the nightmare. He's had a dream, and in it he says:- How doth the little busy bee Improve each shining hour, Come down upon our butcher meat, And turn the whole lot sour. CURE FOR A CRIPPLE. This Popular Reading can always be had at the Poet's Box. IT happened on a Sunday evening, about thirty years ago, that two sheep-stealers had meditated all attempt on the flock of a wealthy farmer in the parish of A-- in the west neuk of Fife. The sheep were grazing in a park adjoining the village churchyard and hard by the public road. The eldest and most experienced of the depredators recommended that only one of them should go in among the sheep, as it would not alarm them so much as two. Accordingly the younger thief was despatched to bring a sheep, while the other went into the churchyard, and sat down upon a through- stone to amuse himself till his companion returned. Now it so happened that John, the minister's man, had forgot to take home the Bible from the church, after the service of the day was over, which neglect was not perceived until the minister called for the books to perform the duty of family worship, when John was immediately sent to the church for the bible. John not being possessed of a very daring spirit, and it being a dark winter night, was not very fond of visiting the abodes of the dead at such an hour; but when he arrived at the church-yard gate, and got a glimpse of the man sitting on the through-stone, his hair stood on end, and his fears soon conjured the thief into a demon. Without more ado he wheeled about, and made the best of his way to the manse, where he related his wonderful story, telling them that he saw the devil sitting on a grave breaking dead bones. An old cripple mendicant, who was quartered at the manse during the Sabbath (for the minister, contrary to the general character of his brethren, was a very charitable man), hearing John tell his appalling story, laughed at him, saying, " if I was as able to gang as you, I would soon bring the Bible." " Well," says John, " if you will accompany me, I will carry yon on my back, and we'll maybe be able to bring the Bible atween us." The beggar agreed, and mounted John accordingly, after he had wrapped himself in his grey plaid. When they came within view of the thief, John would very fain have turned, but the beggar spurred him on, until they came within a short distance of him, when he, supposing it to be his comrade coming with the sheep on his back, exclaimed, " Is he a fat ane ? John, whose heart was quaking before, on hearing this question put to him, could no longer resist his in- clination to turn ; he threw the old man off his back, saying, " be he fat or be he lean, there he is to ye," and run what he was able. The mendicant, finding that he was thus left to his own resources to appease the devil as he could, mustered all his strength ; and, strange to tell, his legs that had refused to perform their office for many a long year before, were suddenly strengthened; he soon went past John, regained the manse before him, and was never lame after.
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Probable period of publication:
1880-1900 shelfmark: RB.m.143(054)
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